The Road Less Traveled
By Pattaya Pete
We humans are funny creatures when you think about it. I've never really been too much into these man made holidays feeling that if every day of your life isn't celebrated, why celebrate a birthday, or Christmas or New Years for example. However, in keeping with this month's theme of New Years and the resolutions we make, I thought I would avoid the trap so many others fall into and make a few that I know I would keep. After all, it's a known fact that the majority of resolutions are broken with the first few months of making them. Use my examples and you will feel no need to contribute to those Health Clubs who make a killing in releasing you from your 6,000 Baht, to sweat in an overcrowded factory, only to realize that there are other ways to maintain your perfect body weight. Here are a few of my New Year's resolutions:
1. To Gain Weight
To accomplish this I must first give up salads, fresh fruit and any other healthy crap that will keep my weight down. I must also increase my junk food intake. Not only does this mean larger portions like those found at Bob's BBQ or Fatties, but side orders of beans and chips as well.
2. Exercise Less
This will involve sleeping more and only moving my body when absolutely necessary. So, for example, if I see a motorcycle Taxi jumping the curb and is headed directly at me, I'll jump out of the way. That will constitute my exercise.
3. Increase My Smoking Habit
I'm barely finishing one pack a day, but resolve to smoke two packs each day in the coming year. To aid in this, I plan to start smoking in bed, no matter how tired or how drunk I am at the time. Certain sacrifices must be made if I'm to keep my eye on my goals.
4. Initiate Sex Less Often
I may buy Lady Drinks and plenty of them. I will also say things that are enticingly charming but not mean a word of it. However, I will not initiate the sex act. But let's face it, here in Pattaya you never really have to and besides the words "initiate" and "sex act" are somewhat open to interpretation. But for the record, masturbation doesn't count as "initiating sex". Neither does looking at free Internet porn. I just wanted to make that clear now, so nobody can come up to me and claim I broke this resolution.
5. Stop Dating Money Hungry Flaky Women
With God as my witness, I will stop dating money hungry, flaky women. I might as well rename this resolution, Join a Monastery and Take a Vow Of Celibacy because we are talking about women here. Luckily, there's a built in loophole with this one. "Dating" implies taking the women out in public, to a restaurant, movie or elephant trekking but if you simply pick them up from a bar for example on Soi 6, when they're drunk and just take them home with you...well that'd be ok, as long as you don't see them or call them the next day or "make plans". Usually, if she's really drunk, she'll initiate the sex anyway so I can avoid that anyway. In the morning when she doesn't remember what happened, I can tell her how she wantonly seduced me in a sloppily drunken sexual frenzy the night before. Pay her for the taxi and I'll doubt she'll ever want me to call. Sweet!
6. Save Money
See previous resolution. Also, I resolve to stop blowing my money on bad porn and questionable investment schemes.
7. Spend Less Time With Friends and Family
Friends are overrated and my family lives too far away anyway to make a visit practical. This one is a slam-dunk.
8. Don't Take a Trip
I hate flying and am not too keen on driving locally either. In fact stepping out of my front door is often a hassle. I think I'll stay inside for 2007 and silently stew in my own bitter juices instead. That sounds much more productive than going to places I really don't want to visit in the first place. This also helps me avoid friends, killing two resolved birds with one stone.
9. Be More of a Jackass
Some reading this may argue that it isn't humanly possible for me to be more of a jackass. I beg to differ. Every so often I have a weak moment and do something kind for somebody else. That'll stop in the coming year.
Well, there you have it. Resolutions that have a good chance of making it. People of resolve certainly walk The Road Less Traveled.
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